Reflections of 2024

Unfiltered. Unedited. Something imperfect.

I'm not sure if there's a better time to write this than at 2:00 AM on a night, where I should be sleeping because I need to wake up early to get on a ferry to get to Koh Lan. Leaving this emotional vacuum, Pattaya. Confused, lost, and searching for meaning more than I was ever before. I guess what I have come to find is that, maybe that is what this all comes down to.

Today morning I saw Amma had changed her WhatApp status to "Life is a journey, not a race." I don't know if there is possibly a better way to describe what this year has felt like more than this. When 2024 started I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know that I would do a mural at my elementary school. Travel to Puerto Rico and get the second most sick, and meet so many amazing men at a Bachelor's party. I didn't know I would get braids for Aakash's wedding. I didn't know I'd fall in love again, and write poetry, and cry. I didn't know I would lead two book clubs, a film club, and a writing group. I didn't know there would be months I would make more than $3,000 teaching. I didn't know that I would be living in Japan for three months in Miyagase. I didn't know I would spend a magical 10 days in Joshua Tree, or that I would stay with Mylon for a month in Kansas. I didn't know I would fall in love with Arvindh or have amazing conversations over dinner with his parents. I didn't know I'd meet Manuel and have the most interesting time in Thailand. I didn't know I would be cat-called in Pattaya as the "handsome chocolate man." I didn't know I would hit episode 100 on the podcast. I didn't know I would see the Swiss Alps. I didn't know I would learn and be responsible of taking care of a dog and cat, and do the best that I possibly could. I didn't know I would see Bryson Tiller. I didn't know I would enjoy my time with Cayote and Delilah, and meet people who didn't believe in the concept of government on the farm. I didn't know I would host a silent retreat. I didn't know that I would fall in love with exercising and walking again. I didn't know that I would meet Taka and eat his lovely meals and appreciate his welcoming smile every day. I didn't know I would date a girl in Japan, and be heartbroken, and fall in love literally the next day. I didn't know I would watch Choksi, Deep, and Ellis all get engaged. I didn't know any of it. 

And here we are. 365 days later. I now know. If I could go back to the Goutham before this year happened, I wouldn't say anything to him. I wouldn't want to take this experience away from him. All the fear, the doubt, the uncertainty. I want him to feel it. Because from it, he grew. He had to step into his belief in himself, and develop his faith for the world. Develop faith that as long as he put his best foot forward, and showed up lovingly every day, things would work out. Some way or another. 

I would only comfort him. Maybe by sending him a butterfly when he needed it the most. When he thought all was lost, and that his life was far too gone to ever be recovered. In that moment, I would send a slight gust of wind, hoping that he recognizes that it is me from the future. Keep going. I would whisper. Don't stop now. 

I'm so scared of this year ending. I became so comfortable in the adventure of this year. As this chapter comes to an end, I want to cry, but I don't know how. I don't even know if I have the tears to cry. I am so sad that life has been flying by so quickly. I am so sad that I too will one day die. I don't want to go. I have so much to learn. I want to play the saxophone. I want to make my own stand up comedy special. I want to record a Christmas album. I want to spend my life teaching, and being around young people who want to learn and do good in the world. I want to be around families, and watch people as they hug their loved ones. I want to laugh more with my friends. I want to dance freely. I want to cry. I want anything. 

Just to last one second longer. I don't want to die. Why do I have to? Is there anything I can do to escape it. This all has to mean something right? 

This is where I am as this year comes to an end. I have no reflection that neatly ties a bow to the whole year, leaving me with proof that I did a good job. That my life was validated. I have nothing to show, but the impressions I have left on the thousands of people I have interacted with this year. 

The man I met yesterday at Starbucks, when I had work to do, but instead talked to him for 4 hours, told me that he really appreciated the space I created for him to share about his life, when he expressed some of his own feelings of uncertainty. This macho, superman in all his areas of his life, felt like I offered support in a way that he didn't feel before. This is what I have to show. I hope I can continue to be this for who knows how many people, before my story too comes to an end. 

To have been able to have the privilege to have written this magazine, documenting 12 months of life has been one of the most beautiful things I have had the opportunity to do. There is nothing more I can give. I gave life my all. I hope that's enough. Future Goutham please send me another sign that I'm on the right path. 

Love,

gy