Reflections on Sobriety

Goutham Yegappan
Apr 25, 2023
15 min read

Updated: Dec 26, 2024

Studying the perceptions and attitudes towards alcohol consumption can provide valuable insights into the underlying philosophical convictions of a society. Such an exploration can offer clues to how a society approaches issues related to pleasure, indulgence, moderation, and self-control.

In this article, I delve deeper into the origins and the contemporary role of alcohol in American society, drawing from lessons I have learned from sobriety. By doing so, I aim to highlight the complex interplay between alcohol and culture and the important role it plays in shaping individual and societal behavior.

A Brief History

Despite the challenges in precisely tracing the origins of alcohol, scholars have made significant strides in identifying some of the earliest signs of its use. The abstract elements of Paleolithic art, dating back 25,000 years, have been interpreted by some scholars as evidence of shamans consuming mind-altering substances to connect with natural forces.¹

In ancient Sumeria, dating between 3,000 and 2,000 BCE, alcohol consumption was primarily reserved for religious offerings to their gods.¹ The Sumerian epic of Gilgamesh includes a scene where one of the characters, depicted as primitive, undergoes a spiritual transformation after drinking seven cups of beer.¹ Similarly, in ancient Egypt, beer was a staple of their daily diet and considered a commodity and the drink of the gods.¹ This reverence towards alcohol as a divine gift was widespread across many ancient civilizations, reflecting its cultural and religious significance.¹

Paleolithic Art: Interpreted as Shamans Consuming Alcohol¹

In the East, ancient Chinese doctors prescribed alcohol for various ailments, believing it could prevent illnesses and promote overall health. Alcohol was also used during important rituals and celebrations, such as family meals, weddings, and holidays.¹ In ancient India, religious texts suggest the use of alcohol by the priestly classes.²

The consumption of alcohol remains a prevalent and influential aspect in many cultures today. Approximately 73% of American adults reported consuming alcohol regularly, making it one of the most widely consumed substances in the country.³ In 2018, the United States had an annual consumption rate per person of 9.9 liters of pure alcohol, ranking it 39th globally, surpassing the worldwide average of 6.1 liters.⁴ Moreover, young adults have been found to be particularly susceptible to alcohol consumption, with 70% of college students reporting drinking alcohol in the past month.⁵ Consequentially, as alcohol consumption becomes a center piece the American lifestyle, it becomes critical to critique its many complex social implications.

Alcohol Consumption Per Person in 2018, Data Collected From World Bank⁴

My Experience

I began drinking at the age of 15 during a sleepover at a friend’s house. My story is like many others, as nearly 3 in 10 American children report having had their first drink before the age of 15, with 77% of respondents stating that they drank before reaching the legal age of 21.⁶

While the reasons for drinking differ from individual to individual, research has linked the consumption of alcohol to a range of motives, including the desire to enhance sociability, to gain a sense of power, to escape problems, to experience the sensation of drunkenness, for enjoyment, and for ritual purposes.⁷

Alcohol created a space in which I could be whoever I wanted, unbound from the mundane monotony pervasive in middle-class suburbia. With a few drinks I could be the most confident karaoke singer, to the suavest womanizer, to the 21st century Michael Jackson on the dance floor. But why couldn’t I be these fictional characters sober? Did I lack the courage to act freely, paralyzed by the social pressures to conform to mediocrity at all times? My relationship with alcohol changed drastically after I began my time at the University of California — San Diego as an undergraduate. The three events I share next created the foundation for my journey to sobriety.

A. The Fraternity

In my full naivety, when I joined a fraternity as a freshman, I undermined the physical and mental toll excessive amounts of alcohol would have on me. As pledges, or students who are yet to be fully initiated into a fraternity, we were repeatedly asked to drink alcohol to display our distorted conceptions of masculinity and to conform to the ethos of the group. While I take full responsibility for my choices, I reflect upon the 18-year-old me who blacked out nearly ten times in the span of a few months during pledging with compassion and sadness.

Blacking out is the temporary loss of memory that often results from excessive alcohol consumption.⁸ I would find myself on the other side of this state irrespective to the time or place. Whether we were miles from the nearest city on a deserted mountain, or piled into a tiny garage with our bodies covered in vomit inches from each other, blacking out was a weekly occurrence as a part of the pledging process. A process that would eventually lead us all to the promised land, a place where we would be accepted fully by our brothers.

Blacking out introduced me to my first experiences with existentialism, far before Heidegger or Sartre meant anything more than difficult words to pronounce. These periods of blankness were moments in which I was no longer in control, which begged the question, who was? I questioned what it meant to be Goutham? If I was no longer Goutham during these periods, was blacking out synonymous to death? I wondered if there were there behavioral lines that were intrinsically drawn into my identity, or if I was capable of any action during these blackouts? I questioned the meaning of pleasure, for what is its worth if it cannot be remembered? I questioned the values of the institution and of the larger society I was a part of, for what type of society encourages young boys and girls to join organizations where this form of severe alcoholism is encouraged?

When I revisit these times in my life, I look back to the people I met then with a deep sense of empathy. The levels of debauchery that was pushed on me, were also pushed upon them first. The conformity to reckless behavior that occured within the confines of the fraternity pushed everyone to make irrational decisions in the name of brotherhood. I always had the option to leave during pledging, but only chose to after my sophomore year, for the glitz and glamour that accompanied being in the fraternity could only overpower my rationality for so long.

B. UCSD Policy on Academic Probation

A few months after pledging I was caught drinking on the school campus, which resulted in being placed on disciplinary probation. Consequentially, in order to sign up for the next quarter’s classes I had to take a three-hour course on Responsibility and Discipline, for which the final project was a 5 page reflection piece. Little did I know then that the questions that were asked of me that day would profoundly impact the way I viewed myself.

I was primarily asked to reflect on my relationship to those around me, and whether or not anyone looked up to me. I was asked to dream about my future, and all the things I wanted to do and then take into consideration how my current behavior could make that difficult. I was then asked to consider why the institution set the rules up in such a way to deter said action from occurring, and why that is beneficial for them.

This was the first time a punishment was used as an opportunity for reflection and a change in perspective instead of a revocation of some privilege. I began to comprehend my role in the larger social network around me that included the students I taught, my younger family friends, and my extended family. I never considered myself a role model, but only through reflecting upon this question did I realize I played that role for the younger children in my life.

In envisioning my future, and all the things I wanted to do and be, I was able to understand how my relationship with alcohol was jeopardizing all that I could be. While this experience created the philosophical foundation for sobriety, the next situation is what created the urgency for change.

C. Quarrel With Best Friend

In my junior year of college, after my drinking became far more moderated, there was the end of the year celebration, the Sun God Festival. Due to a stressful midterm week that accompanied a poor diet, a deep sense on loneliness, and an itch to act with reckless abandon, I began drinking early in the morning and did not slow down. As the day progressed I blacked out, and what remained of me made its way to M.K, one of my closest friends now. After a few petty arguments over who could lift more weights, the conflict rose to its peak when I was told that we would have to fight to settle the issue.

To this day the fact that I almost lost a relationship that has meant so much to me over a disagreement that I could care less about, speaks volumes to what liquid courage could do. It was the night after when M.K and I stayed up talking about our insecurities surrounding our manhood and its manifestations through our relationship with alcohol, did I realize this depressant no longer suited the life I wanted to lead.

Reflections

I. The Fallacy of Moderation

While in the process of forming a new relationship with alcohol, I began to realize that many of life’s biggest challenges come in finding the ideal balance across a dyad that suits ones’ lifestyle and virtues. The child psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, argues that these dyads naturally occur, aligning with the different stages of development in a person’s life.⁹ The list seen below are some of the dyads Erikson discusses in his theory.

*Stages of Development, Theory By Erik Erikson ¹⁰

Along with these dyads, in regards to dealing with vice and pleasure, each individual must find the balance between strict abstinence and over indulgence. After my many failed attempts of trying to optimize moderation of alcohol consumption, I learned that the only way to be in complete control of any stimuli that is introduced into my life, is to first master strict abstinence. If I can not reach this stage, then I know that there is something to the stimuli that holds me captive, making it impossible to truly find the ideal moderate state. For how can I know the impact of a behavior if I have not felt what its absence feels like? In reflecting upon this absence over these last three years, here are my findings.

II. Social Repercussions

As a person in my mid-20s living in large cities, I have found that a majority of the social gatherings I attend are centered around alcohol. Whether we are playing board games, watching sports, going to a comedy show, eating food, or dancing, alcohol plays a central role in these festivities. Due to its centrality, many of the connections formed are coerced through its shared use. Buying a round of drinks, or giving a ‘cheers’ to others gives rise to a sense of comradery, that is built under the guise that all participants are indulging in the same action causing similar altered mind states.

Moreover, this feeling of oneness that arises from drinking, allows people to be vulnerable in ways they may have difficulties doing when sober. While in this state some people may feel like they can finally open up, with an extra sense of bravado and confidence that usually escapes them when sober. In these situations the sober one may be outgrouped, as the others may not feel as comfortable to be reckless around them.

I find this to be particularly challenging when it comes to dating, for many individuals find the destressing nature of alcohol to be ideal when meeting a new person. Studies have shown that almost 86% of people drink on a first date, making a sober date something quite out of the norm, as the dynamics of only one person drinking alcohol is a social faux pa.¹¹

In order to mitigate some of these social repercussions I have implemented the following habits into my life.

Firstly, I never reveal that I am sober. If asked to drink, I first respond with “I’m not drinking tonight” instead of saying “I don’t drink.” This slight distinction evades any further conversations regarding the reasons for why I don’t drink. While this conversation often leads to vulnerable insights for both parties, I prefer not to have this while the other individual is in the act of drinking, as my reasons may offend them or lead to resistance.

If asked further why I’m not drinking I simply respond “I just recently decided to take a break.” This avoids the outgrouping that can happen if I was to explain all that was covered in this article, as the receiver of this information will simply think this is just another one of those breaks that everyone attempts after a few recent brutal experiences with alcohol.

There will always be a few people who continue pushing further, because for some

individuals if you are not partaking in drinking, especially on a birthday or an eventful day, you are disregarding their desires, making your dissent personal. To these individuals I do my best to figure out what it is they want after I’m intoxicated and do my best to bring that sober. If this all fails, the final stance is to be okay with being slightly excluded from the festivities.

One tactic to lessen the chance of anyone even asking you a question regarding drinking is to simply be holding a cup filled with water, a virgin-mary, or whatever non-alcoholic substance you can find in your environment. By holding on to something, you seem much more approachable as you have joined the ingroup by drinking something.

Fundamentally I believe people respond poorly for three reasons. Firstly they may think you won’t join in on the festivities to the same extent if sober, secondly they may want you to experience reckless abandon together, or thirdly your sobriety is a reminder to them of their failed attempts to reduce their own alcoholism. By understanding the reason to which those around you belittle your own attempts to sobriety you can better communicate with them in the way that helps you set your own boundaries.

III. Money

It can never be understated how much money is saved through sobriety. According to the CDC, an individual who drinks heavily, which is an average of 14 drinks per week priced at an estimate of $7 per drink, is spending approximately $5,096 per year on alcohol. This is approximately $267,000 over one’s lifetime.¹² If we add the transportation costs on typical drinking outings, the excess food and additional materialistic consumption that alcohol typically accompanies, this amount easily surpasses $350,000 over a lifetime.

I began tracking my own consumption by making an Excel spreadsheet to track the amount of time and money I spent each week. By compiling the data into useful visualizations I began to have an increased awareness of the impacts of my drinking. This awareness is the first step to the change of any habit as it forces the individual to pay more attention to their behavior from a neutral perspective.

IV. Courage and Social Anxiety Disorder

Approximately 15 million U.S adults experience social anxiety disorder within a given year, a condition defined as an ‘excessive fear in social situations in which a person believes he or she will do something embarrassing or exhibit anxiety symptoms that will be embarrassing.’ ¹³ Due to the drastic decrease of in-person relationship during the pandemic, this number will rise in the Gen-Z cohort.¹³ Further research has found that social anxiety disorder frequently co-occurs with the consumption of alcohol.¹³

As mentioned before, alcohol, often called ‘liquid courage’, is well known to be a social lubricant as it reduces inhibition. People with social anxiety disorder may use alcohol as a coping mechanism to reduce their stress and anxiety from human encounters.¹³ However, since alcohol acts as a negative reinforcer in regards to decreasing anxiety, this pattern can create an unhealthy cycle of substance abuse where an individual requires alcohol is larger doses to socialize.¹³

I find that the younger a child begins this cycle the harder it becomes to break as socializing in a consequential way sober becomes a lost art. While I have spent the last few years travelling and attempting to relearn the art of approaching strangers and having meaningful encounters, I find it quite difficult as years of my development was spent interacting with others while intoxicated.

Over time as the practice becomes more embedded it becomes easier. Once fully sober, the mind begins to pay much more attention to how a person receives their presence. It becomes attentive to how people respond with tonality, eye contact, posturing, and physical touch. It is through developing a deep understanding of these can we start to understand the subtle queues people give us.

V. Fun

Studies have shown that American consumption of alcohol is highly event-specific, something that I have found causes people to falsely causate the experience of fun with alcohol.¹⁴ There was a time where I would be at events simply waiting to be the ideal level of intoxicated before I would let go and enjoy myself. The irony was that I would never reach this idyllic point, as at first I would hardly be drunk, and by the time I had drank enough I was too drunk.

It was only after a few years of this pattern did I realize that there is no perfect level of intoxication. That ideal was simply a figment of my imagination, a state that could never be reached. Since then I have understood that the concept of fun is one that is at my disposal at any time. After spending time teaching young children, they imbued upon me the realization that all we need is our creativity and imagination to make any situation fun.

Fun then becomes something that is not meant to be achieved, but a state that can be called upon at any time, regardless of whether you are waiting in line at the DMV, riding the Subway to work, or filing taxes. If you allowed your inner child to be free, what could each of those situations be?

VI. Self-Discovery

When constantly alternating between different modes of consciousness it becomes hard to discern who the true you is. A weekend of heavy drinking, leads to a few days of disoriented recovery, leads to a few days of clear thinking, leads to the next weekend to rinse and repeat. This never-ending cycle traps ones’ identity in constant flux.

Sobriety has helped reduce some of the blurriness, making who I am slightly clearer. While I’ll avoid a deeper philosophical inquiry into what it means to be, for the sake of this article I will define this self-knowledge as intimately knowing the desires and dislikes of an oneself.

When alcohol no longer becomes a part of your weekly cycle, you begin to develop a sense of consistency in your intentions and desires. The comfort in knowing that you won’t randomly desire the complete opposite provides a deep sense of security and trust in yourself and your judgement.

This also applies to regret, as you begin to take more accountability for your actions, now that being drunk or hungover no longer serves as an excuse. This allows you to reflect upon your decisions knowing that you made them to the best of your ability, during a time when your brain was capable of making the decision.

VII. Development

The concept of walking in another person’s shoes, is the attempt to understand their point of view by empathising with their background. It was primarily through a mix of alcohol and cannabis that opened up the space for this type of empathy. Research has also substantiated this experience finding that the combination of decreased inhibition and increased emotion allows for one to experience feelings of empathy they may find difficult when sober.¹⁵

While other psychedelic experiences through meditation and yoga can assist people in reaching these levels of empathy, I have found certain settings in which being intoxicated allows for this as well. While I have found power in sobriety, it is only through the act of drinking heavily at some point in my life can I understand its pervasiveness in American society. For individuals who have been strictly sober throughout their lives, I have found that there is a certain level of misunderstanding towards those who do consume alcohol.

While the prevalence of alcohol consumption among minors and young adults whose brains are not fully developed is concerning, this psychedelic view of alcohol, as shared by the ancient Egyptians and Sumerians, must also be considered.

Conclusions

While sobriety can offer many rewards it hasn’t been clear to me that it’s impacts are all positive. I grew up surrounded by people for whom sobriety was not something that was reached through reflection, but was forced upon by societal, familial, or religious pressures. This form of sobriety reached through a lack of intention and awareness can lead to the same traps unaware consumption of alcohol can.

This journey to sobriety has created many challenges due to the realization that it is fully my responsibility to work through all the suffering intoxication was helping me avoid. By choosing to stay sober I have also opted out of a social structure that underlies many relationships in American culture. However, what I have found is that the power in sobriety does not come from the avoidance of intoxication itself, but in the reflections that are required to make the decision. It created an opportunity for me to deeply connect with my intentions, and a space for profound self-understanding. I hope this article helps you with your journey in determining the role you want alcohol to play in your life.