Seconds After Dusk

Songs I was Listening To While Writing This here

Dawn

As the light creeps  

Through the cracks of my window 

I can't help  

But feel hopeful 

The mystery 

Left in the traces of darkness 

Never ceases to leave me in a state 

Of fear 

While I am left clueless  

To what the day  

Will throw at me 

Knowing that at least  

I can now act  

Excites me  

Anything is possible 

Places 

Experiences 

Tastes, smells, sights 

You. 

I crack the window open  

To let some air in 

The Kyoto chill surprises me 

Bringing about a  

Certain aliveness 

Found 

When the unyielding  

Chill of the cold 

Asking the best from you 

Meets the 

Comforting warmth 

A home provides 

Allowing you to simply be 

From my stoop 

I see the  

Gentle and majestic curves  

Of the rooftops 

Smell the  

Unique blend of  

Cigarette smoke and coffee beans 

Subconsciously existing 

In a space 

Where the remnants of a  

Once dominant culture 

Carefully cultivated  

Battles the influences  

Of a new way of living 

Violently forced upon it 

In the good name  

Of democracy  

I start my day listening to  

The one and only  

Michael Jackson 

Dancing 

I brush my teeth 

I love you Liberian Girllllllllllllllllll 

Excited to start the day 

Teaching 

Someone 

I've been  

Intellectually and spiritually  

Connected with  

For over a year 

Exploring knowledge 

Curiously and joyfully 

Last week  

He told me  

With the biggest grin 

Across his face 

He just got accepted  

Into a college  

He's spent the last four years 

Dreaming of 

Tulane University 

More than  

This accomplishment 

It was  

The hope  

I could hear 

That I felt 

Typically stoic and unexpressive 

About his future 

This time 

I could hear  

The slight contour 

Of a dream 

The smallest 

Trace of a future  

That could perhaps  

Be more 

Than what  

Is 

He looked forward 

Blissfully unaware  

That everything  

He has ever known  

Will change 

When he leaves home 

I'm so proud of you  

James 

As usual 

He's been sleeping through  

His math class 

Expected  

From anyone 

Who forcibly sits  

Lectured by a teacher  

Who themselves  

Cannot find any meaning  

In their work 

Try identifying it  

Behind  

Polynomial long division  

I laugh 

Reminded of the student  

I once  

Used to be.  

Unaware  

That you  

Heard all that. 

Unaware 

That in  

All the infinite ways  

This universe  

Could have  

Marched forward 

Our lives  

Would intersect 

Two worlds 

So far  

From each other 

Would come together  

For a single dance 

Creating worlds  

That were  

Impossible before 

The class ends 

I close my laptop 

Stretching  

To relieve 

Pent-up stress  

Stemming  

From the pain 

Knowing  

How lowly he feels  

About himself  

When he fails to understand 

A stupid 

Arbitrary 

Math concept.  

In that moment 

Lost in my frustrations 

I saw you.  

My first thought? 

Wow.  

She's gorgeous. 

In hindsight 

I laugh now  

Knowing what  

A younger me  

Would have thought  

Instead 

Damn, she's fine fine. 

For linguistic precision 

It is important to highlight  

The second  

More important 

fine 

Often left out 

But integral 

For it enhances  

The weight  

Of the first fine 

It ensures that even  

If any of the  

Other words  

Are left unheard 

It leaves no chances 

Conveying the  

Fineness of the 

Subject of the sentence 

The real centerpiece  

Of the statement 

When I saw you 

My stomach lurched 

Maybe butterflies 

But more 

Pack of wildebeests 

Crushing Mufasa 

You look like a bum right now, don't do it. 

Ah insecurity 

Your loving  

Voice of reason 

We meet again 

I can always count  

You to be there 

For James,  

I wanted him 

To always know  

His own value 

A tattoo etched permanently 

On the back of his palm 

Aa reminder of  

His inherent worth  

But for some reason 

I couldn't convince 

Myself 

That I had any 

I do know  

That this  

Wasn't always  

My  

Voice. 

There once  

Was a bluebird 

That sang softly to me 

It's gentle voice  

Comforting me 

By my side 

But now 

I'm too tough for him, 

I say, stay in there,  

I'm not going 

to let anybody see 

you. 

But today, 

It's him  

I listened to 

As I took  

A deep breath 

Counted to three 

1 

2 

3 

hi

Sunrise 

Did you get that coffee here? 

Yes. You can get it over at that vending machine. 

First,  

I don't even drink coffee. 

Second, 

Your eyes 

How could they  

Possibly  

Be gentle  

Inviting those it perceives  

To find shelter  

Within them 

And fierce 

Protecting the soul 

From the chaotic 

World around it 

At the  

Same time 

It's always the eyes that  

Makes time 

Move  

Slower 

The gateway 

Opening and closing the self 

To the outside 

Those same eyes  

Carried you through your childhood 

Guiding your journey 

To this moment 

To this.  

Is the coffee any good? 

Yeah, it's not bad at all. I ordered the matcha. 

I complement  

Your necklace. 

You ask me  

About my work. 

I learn more  

About your travels. 

You scroll  

Through the podcast.  

Back and forth. 

Your essence 

Catches me  

Off guard 

Mixing a deep  

Cultural sensitivity 

A heavy dose  

Of open-mindedness 

Topped with  

An inquisitive mind  

Always curious 

But in front  

Of it all 

Communicating  

These ideas 

Is the resounding voice  

Of a valley-girl  

Just after a long weekend  

at Coachella 

I wanted to know 

More. 

The endless nature  

Of a person's story 

Has always  

Captivated me 

Sitting in the public transit  

As a child 

Bumbling through 

San Francisco 

How could it be? 

That each person 

In front of me 

That I saw for the 

First time 

Had entire  

Decades of 

Life 

Before 

I  

Became even 

The tiniest sliver 

Of their  

Story 

But even the 

Most mysterious 

Can be unraveled 

Slowly 

Through conversation 

Helping to construct 

A map 

Making sense of the other's 

Motivations 

Intentions 

Insights 

Desires 

Fears 

I wanted to know 

What were yours?

Noon 

We decide  

To step out  

Into the world  

Together 

For lunch. 

Happy to simply  

Spend time  

With you  

Irrespective of  

What we did 

I suggest  

Letting the universe  

Guide us 

As it seemingly  

Already had 

It made me so happy  

To see you   

Love the idea 

Alternating 

Randomly picking 

Directions to walk 

At each crossroad 

As my best friend and I call it 

You passed the  

Spikeball-test 

We walk  

Through  

Tiny streets 

Confused  

Whether they  

Were  

For cars or humans  

Across  

Beautiful trees  

Touched by the magic of fall 

Through 

Small streams  

Providing comfort 

Through their  

Subtle 

Resounding sound 

Eventually  

Coming across  

A ramen shop 

Bowing as we enter 

Finding a place to sit 

In the side corner 

Creating a nook 

To house  

The dance 

We were to  

Embark on 

Standard ramen 

For you 

Kyoto special 

For me 

The tea  

Poured 

Then 

We start. 

The sensuality  

Of a conversation 

Lies when the  

Discernable space 

Between listener  

And the listened to  

Becomes  

Non-existent 

For both people  

Alternate positions  

Gracefully 

With an empathetic  

Understanding  

Of the other's 

Intellectual and spiritual 

Needs 

Trusting that their own 

Will be treated 

With as much  

Importance and 

Care 

These conversations  

Birth new ideas 

Reveal and gently  

Heal insecurities 

Create space  

For shame  

To be  

Seen and loved 

Allowing  

For the inner child 

To roam and  

Play 

Accepted  

Exactly as they are 

In this process 

A person's scars 

Are never looked at 

With pity 

But with curiosity 

For they represent  

Battles once fought  

And overcome 

The cracks  

In the vase 

Turn it  

From a mindless copy 

To a soulful  

Individual 

Between your  

Ideas 

Jokes 

Story 

I can't tell  

What I crave to  

Listen to most 

You dive  

Into the vulnerable 

Expanding your experience 

Allowing for the space 

To reflect 

With no judgement 

Or malice 

I start to  

Lose  

Track  

Of  

The 

Time 

I convince myself  

This will  

Last forever 

Because it will  

Right? 

This will never end. 

From one moment 

To the next 

We are stuck  

In a never-ending  

Chain 

That denies  

All rules of physics 

Binding us  

To the present  

Forever.

Evening 

We pay  

Our bill  

And enter 

Back  

Into the world. 

Leaving  

Our  

Little home 

Behind. 

The cold of Kyoto 

A little  

Chillier now 

Brings a shiver  

That leaves a gnawing feeling 

That change is 

Inevitable. 

I shove the  

Thought 

Aside  

As we continue  

Our game 

Entering a cute  

Pop-up shop 

You buy  

Fuzzy socks  

To stay warm 

I buy  

A necklace  

For my mom 

A mix of 

An elephant  

A peacock,  

Her two  

Favorite animals. 

In moments 

Surrounded by love 

I am always  

Reminded of her. 

The amount of time 

She's poured  

Into me. 

Painstakingly  

Over the years 

Putting aside  

Her own desires  

Trying her hardest  

To let me know  

That I mattered 

To her. 

I know no love 

If not for  

The one my mom 

Modelled 

You tell me  

Your brother's flight  

Got delayed 

And for a  

Moment  

I knew 

The universe  

Was planning  

For  

Our  

Time  

To  

Be  

Elongated 

We walk  

Back to the hostel 

And I watch  

You pack 

You relay  

An extremely  

Important fact  

A dentist’s favorite 

Recommending sleeping  

Next to a  

Bar of chocolate  

For moments  

When the slightest  

Pang of discomfort 

Arise 

You always had something 

To calm the nerves 

What was my chocolate? 

I watch  

Bag opens. 

Everything unpacked. 

Shoes thrown in. 

Zipped up. 

Heaved on. 

Towards the train station  

We go.  

Let's stay in touch. 

I yearn  

For the days  

I loved hearing that. 

Naive  

To the vastness  

Of the world, 

The rapidity  

Of change, 

The irreversibility  

Of each decision, 

The singularity  

Of every moment. 

As I hear those words 

I find my experience  

Split 

Into a  

Thousand  

Fragments 

Remnants  

Of past lives  

Where I heard  

The same 

But now 

No longer 

Know  

The person 

At all. 

Pawan 

My friend  

Helping me  

Find peace 

Himalayas 

Agnesi 

My place 

Of safety 

Ancona, Italy 

Naveen 

With his 

Huge smile 

Warm Hugs 

Always waiting 

For me  

Zurich, Switzerland 

Ellis 

My home  

Away from home 

Washington D.C 

I was reminded of every 

Family 

Home 

Stranger 

Companion 

Environment  

Lover 

Always  

Offering me  

A brief respite  

From the chaos  

Through their arms 

Let's stay in touch. 

The naivety broken, 

I no longer  

React the same 

Knowing  

Where to find  

The unspoken truth 

Hiding sneakily  

In the silence  

Between the words. 

Only to be  

Briefly  

Perceived 

In the single moment  

Before the two souls  

Separate 

During 

Their  

Last  

Embrace. 

It is now 

The promises  

Fade 

Bringing  

To attention 

What if  

It is never  

The same as it is now? 

The existential void 

Opens  

Allowing 

Itself 

To be  

Recognized 

But no 

I can't 

I won't 

I am not ready  

To confront  

The truth. 

So I turn away 

And hold on  

To those statements, 

Empty 

Inside 

Desperately 

Gripping on 

To the possibility 

As our bodies  

Part  

I echo  

The hollow sentiment  

Back 

I'll send you a text. 

Gently cradling its  

Fragile promise.

Sunset 

I watch you walk away, 

Looking like the  

Hunchback of Notre Dame 

With a bag  

Three times  

Your size 

I stay. 

Waiting  

Until the last specks  

Of you  

Are to be seen. 

And then some. 

A form of care 

I have grown to 

Appreciate 

So Dearly 

An attempt 

To stay with your 

Presence 

Until the very last second 

A symbol of assurance  

That if ever 

You need 

I will be  

Here 

For you 

I secretly hope  

That you'll  

Look back 

But you  

Don't 

Already enchanted  

By the next leg  

Of your adventure  

Locating  

Your brother successfully  

As he leaves the country 

For the first time 

Putting his trust  

And safety  

In your arms. 

I close my eyes 

Take a second  

To pray. 

Wishing you  

The absolute best  

For what is to come 

Hoping that you find  

Whatever it is that  

You are searching for 

And now I am 

Alone 

Again. 

In peace. 

In silence. 

So how are we doing today Goutham? 

Ironic 

The last time  

I had a moment  

To myself 

I felt trapped  

Scared 

I had just left a person  

I thought I cared about  

In Kobe 

A person  

Who treated  

My presence 

As an after thought 

Taken for granted 

Only appreciated  

In the moments  

Before leaving 

Because  

My absence 

Was finally 

Felt 

And so here  

I am again.  

So glad  

I chose to 

Leave. 

Maybe meeting 

You 

Was the universe 

Communicating to me 

That I had  

Done the right 

Thing. 

Maybe not. 

Will we actually stay in touch?  

I ask. 

She meets  

So many interesting people  

Daily. 

Why 

Would 

She? 

I walk through the  

Same streets 

Once exuberant 

Brimming with possibility 

Now  

Slightly  

More 

Dull 

Is this feeling 

Love? 

This simple  

Four-letter  

Word, 

Has escaped  

My understanding  

Seemingly always an inch  

Away 

From my outstretched arms  

I think I once knew 

The understanding 

Drowned out  

By pornography 

Toxic representations  

Of masculinity 

Judgement  

Shame,  

A cycle so viscous 

That it turns  

Everything pure 

To something  

To be exploited 

For profit and gain 

Leaving the  

Charred remains  

Unrecognizable 

Never to be  

Perceived 

Again 

I trace back  

Your face  

In my memory 

Trying aimlessly  

To understand  

What it is 

That tugs  

My heart 

Begging  

To be felt 

A simple request  

To hold on 

To this moment, 

To you 

For  

Slightly  

Longer 

To capture  

Your essence  

And experience  

It again  

and again, 

 and again,  

  and again, 

    and again 

     and again. 

This request 

Reeks 

Of quiet desperation 

Searching 

To somehow  

Prolong  

The realization  

That  

At the end, 

I will always be  

Just  

Another. 

No matter  

What I do,  

Think 

Accomplish 

I will always  

Be just another  

Among billions  

Who came before me,  

No different,  

No less fleeting. 

By trying  

To lose myself  

Through you 

In your  

Acknowledgement 

Perception 

Acceptance 

I know I can  

Push the 

Insignificance  

Away  

For  

Just  

One  

More  

Moment 

I can  

Prove  

That my existence  

Has been seen 

That my life  

Really does  

Have some meaning. 

Right?  

It does  

Have some  

Meaning  

Right? 

If you  

Loved me  

That would  

Be enough. 

If someone  

As special as you  

Cared  

About someone as  

Insignificant  

As me 

That must mean  

I did something right 

Right? 

Please don't  

Leave. 

I'm not ready. 

I have to 

Mean 

Something 

Anything. 

Ultimately 

My feelings 

Are rooted  

In the seeds 

Of insecurity  

Scarcity 

I know that  

I cannot  

Place  

This expectation  

On anyone 

For the burden  

Of that weight  

Is enough to crush  

The strongest among us 

Trapping them  

Under the  

Constant duress  

To uphold and stroke  

The need  

To feel seen. 

Your presence is  

Effervescent 

Care-free 

Light 

It cannot be held 

It's power  

Is what  

Attracted  

That bluebird 

The one in my heart  

That wants to get out 

Today 

He slowly peaked out  

To see. 

You. 

He noticed  

That you can  

Make the cage 

Once a prison 

Feel like an 

Ever-expansive playground 

He felt  

Momentarily 

That even a life  

Within a cage 

Could maybe be worthwhile 

So long as you  

Would be there too 

Making the search  

For meaning  

A playful act 

For what need was there 

When there would be 

Another day 

Singing with you? 

He knows that 

However special 

You made him 

Feel 

There are  

Many  

Many 

Many 

More people out there 

Who  

Need  

The  

Same. 

He most  

Importantly  

Told me that 

To love you  

Is to  

Practice  

A quiet goodbye 

One that leaves  

The door open 

For possibility 

But supports  

The journey forward 

Even in one 

Without him

Dusk 

The soldier  

Prepares himself 

To face the unknown  

Of the dusk once again. 

The bluebird  

Sitting on top of  

His shoulder 

Finally let out  

Of its cage 

The woman  

He once met 

Sparked a light  

Inside his  

Tender heart 

She served  

A constant reminder  

Of the finitude  

Of each moment 

Showing that the  

Beauty of a novel 

Can only be experienced  

When its closing chapter  

Is also  

Equally 

Accepted. 

While he has  

To let  

A part 

Of her 

Go 

He  

Holds on  

To dreams 

Of worlds  

That could  

Have existed 

He understands  

That death  

Can arrive  

Far before  

The physical body  

Shuts down. 

That he 

Shows his face 

When the hope  

For the future  

Begins to dwindle 

When  

Freedom and possibility 

Are replaced  

Cheaply 

With fear and control 

He shows his face 

When the  

Young boy 

Can no 

Longer 

Dream 

Worlds alongside 

His love 

Crushed for the 

Practicality of 

An otherwise  

Bleak existence 

He will 

Carry with him  

Always 

The possibility 

Knowing 

That every love  

Starts  

Simply  

As an  

Absurd dream 

Whether in  

This lifetime 

Or the next 

He knows  

That it is possible 

That their story 

Has just begun 

That their adventures  

Together 

Are still  

To be written 

Not just  

Reflected on. 

Left in the hands  

Of the universe 

To work its magic 

He doesn't mind  

Waiting for her. 

Wherever she may be  

He hopes  

She knows  

That she will  

Always  

Have a home  

With him. 

He thanks her  

For being alive. 

For singing. 

For sharing  

Her story 

Passing forward  

The spirit  

Of resilience 

He  

Thanks  

Her  

For  

Simply 

Existing. 

I see you. 

~ gy