The Wallet

Theft as a Path to Autonomy: How My History With Stealing Shapes My Educational Philosophy Today

For me, one of the most difficult challenges of growing up has been truthfully confronting and acknowledging my mistakes. In reflecting on this period of my life, I find that my focus isn’t solely on the actions themselves but on the underlying beliefs and philosophies that justified them. For at the time, I did not make those decisions with the awareness of its wrongness. I find myself constantly dissecting and questioning the origins of these misguided principles that led me in such a wrong direction, bewildered at how they were ever construed as justifiable pathways to decision-making.

As my ethical understanding developed, I was confronted with the reality of my past errors, yearning for some relief from the guilt that burdens those who have wronged. I convinced myself that I could atone for my past actions by embarking on a journey of introspection and personal growth, distancing myself from the values that once guided those errors.

This quest for transformation was relentless; I aimed to leave my past behind, stepping into a future seemingly unmarred by earlier failings. However, as time progressed, this transformation led to a profound sense of disconnection from those who only knew the more refined version of myself. They encountered a facade, beneath which the remnants of my mistakes were haphazardly concealed. This discrepancy between the self that they knew and the person I once was, spoke to the failings of simply moving forward and ignoring one’s past self.

After running away for the past eight years, I finally returned home at the beginning of 2024, equipped with a realization that this approach of fleeing will never pave the way towards the true inner peace I seek. For each action one takes, whether captured, documented, or merely etched in memory, is irreplaceably inscribed in the etches of human history. No deed, regardless of its size, exists in isolation; its ripples extend into the furthest reaches of humanity. It is clear to me now that genuine progress, therefore, demands a confrontation with my former self for true growth, cannot lie in evasion, but in the acceptance of the marks my actions have left, acknowledging their role in shaping both my journey and the lives intertwined with mine.

In this essay, I aim to delve into the history of my stealing behaviors, examining the motivations that drove me to steal, the experiences it led me to, and the impact of those who guided me towards realizing the errors of my ways. I then conclude with a philosophical discussion on the roots of youthful rebellion. I use these reflections to propose adjustments to our educational systems that encourage young people to engage and rebel with the world in a manner that is both constructive and non-damaging to themselves and others.

Before continuing, I want to note that I’ve come to understand that my intellectualization of past behaviors may very well serve as a shield, a way to protect myself from the stark realization that perhaps I am not inherently good. This defense mechanism helps me sidestep the painful truth that, despite efforts to atone, there may be no complete absolution for my past actions. Yet, it’s crucial to delve into the cultural and societal frameworks that shape our worst behaviors, for in recognizing these influences, we can offer insights into why people might be drawn to certain behaviors and can provide us with a broader perspective on human conduct. Understanding these dynamics is vital, as it helps contextualize our choices and behaviors within a larger societal narrative. My aim in exploring these themes is not just to seek justification for past missteps but to foster a deeper comprehension of the forces that guide us even in our worst decisions. This is the key motivation behind my decision to write this piece, I hope you enjoy.

The Heist of the Mona Lisa, La Domenica del Corriere

The Foundations of Moral Deviation

Growing up in Fremont, California — a paradoxical suburb known both for its high happiness index and its notorious rate of affairs — I was often hastily labeled by my teachers, who fancied themselves as amateur psychologists, as having ADHD.¹ This early branding brought my distaste for routine sharply into focus. Fremont’s contradiction served as a vivid backdrop, where the displays of contentment, showcased by Tesla cars and million-dollar homes, thinly veiled a pervasive psychological emptiness. It appeared to me that the community’s structured life, governed by unyielding rules and routines, was less about order and more about masking a collective fear of the unknown. Their relentless busyness, often paraded as a virtue, seemed a desperate attempt to escape stillness. This constant striving for more — be it in achievements, possessions, or activities — revealed a deep-seated quest for something greater, a never-ending cycle that, to me, underscored a profound unease with simply existing.

Aerial View of Fremont, California

These prescriptive lifestyles laid out a narrow path: securing a college degree, embarking on careers in engineering, medicine, or law, acquiring luxurious homes and vehicles, and perpetuating the cycle endlessly generation by generation. Escape from these overwhelming expectations was found only in the solace of personal hobbies. Yet, even this sanctuary was compromised by the demands of college applications, which now sought aholisticprofile, inadvertently converting even recreational activities into calculated tactics to enhance one’s academic portfolio. The intrinsic pleasure of living, of engaging in activities for their own sake, was eclipsed by a singular focus on achievements, reducing life’s richness to a checklist of accomplishments.

Raised within the rigid framework of this prevailing ideology, a deep-seated part of me craved the taste of autonomy and the freedom to diverge from the path that seemed preordained. I longed to experience the catharsis of true human emotion, rather than perpetually sprinting on a treadmill, chasing an elusive goal set by someone else. This desire ignited a rebellious spark within me, compelling me to question norms, to explore what lay beyond the visible boundaries. My unyielding curiosity stood as a testament to my conviction that no external force could fully suppress my spirit. I was adamant about forging my own path, distinct from the expectations imposed by others. Hence, irrespective of my reverence for teachers, parents, or any figure of authority, I felt an insatiable need to defy at least one rule. Failing to do so, I feared, would erode my sense of self, diminishing my individuality to the point where my existence felt like anything but my own.

This yearning for autonomy, however took many shapes, spanning a spectrum from innocuous acts to behaviors with darker and more substantial implications. The boundaries I chose to push varied widely, from the simple joys of sneaking out my dad’s car or staying awake beyond my bedtime, to more intense forms like engaging in substance use or embracing unrestrained sexual freedom. Initially, my acts of defiance were modest, but as I navigated through the later years of high school, the suffocating embrace of rigid routines left me gasping for choice, prompting my quest for freedom to take on more radical forms. It was within this constraint that I was compelled to cross a boundary I hadn’t before: stealing.

The First Time: 2014

In the summer after my sophomore year, I made the deliberate decision to steal from a store for the first time. By then, it was well-known that many upperclassmen at my school had dabbled in shoplifting, openly sharing their strategies and tales of narrow escapes. Encouraged by the tales of my own friends, who had recently successfully stolen from luxury stores, I found myself drawn into the allure of taking that risk.

The following weekend, after devising a detailed plan, I asked my mom to drive me and my two friends to the mall, a request that now fills me with deep regret. Reflecting on this ask, I’m struck by the stark contrast between my mom’s innocent belief that we were simply going shopping for clothes for a business competition and the reality of our intentions. It’s unlikely she could have ever imagined her son would contemplate theft, much less implicate her knowingly in such a scheme. The fact that I took advantage of her trust will continue to fill me with shame. If you’re reading this, Amma, I am really sorry.

Our first stop was at the J.Crew, located at the sprawling Great Mall in Milpitas, California, where we had heard tales of clothing tags designed in such a way that they could be effortlessly removed with just a simple pair of scissors. Equipped with this insider information and a pair of scissors, originally intended for beard trimming, we covertly made our way to the fitting rooms. Caught up in the exhilaration of our first theft, our inexperience was glaringly obvious; we quickly concealed the clothes without thoroughly ensuring that all signs of our act were erased.

Maintaining our composure proved difficult as we couldn’t keep ourselves from smirking at each other as we passed through the security gates outwardly emptyhanded, with a secret bag full of clothes. It was only after we had cleared the security barriers, heard no alarm, and turned a corner, that we burst out into laughter, sharing the joy of our first successful heist.

This initial rush was fleeting, quickly replaced by our greed for more. Driven by this desire, we found ourselves entering Kohl’s, emboldened by the same expectations of effortless success. Our group split up upon entry, as was advised; my two friends browsed the ties, while I went to check out the belts. About 10 minutes later, we exchanged our covert sign, signaling that it was time to leave and made our move towards the exit, anticipating the same level of ease. This time, however, our feelings of glory were abruptly cut short by the sound of heavy footsteps closing in as soon as we walked outside the store. From the corner of my eye, I noticed a figure dressed in all black approaching as he called out to us.

The exact location we got caught.

We looked at each other, confused, but had a hunch for what was about to transpire. My friends, who were a bit ahead of me, and far faster than me, later confessed they had contemplated running away but didn’t want to leave me behind. The black-suit man told us to follow him, and we were led to a secluded area at the back of the store, where two individuals — a man and a woman, both with stern and cocky dispositions— greeted us with an obnoxious smirk on their face. They directed our attention to a TV screen displaying footage of our attempted theft, a moment we naively believed had gone unnoticed. As the realization that we had been caught began to set in, we were informed that Kohl’s had a whole team of operatives who were solely tasked with catching shoplifters.

While we watched the film again and again, I realized that they were not playing the video during which we were led to the room. The time during which I had emptied my jacket and pant pockets of all the items I had stolen. This critical oversight meant that, with nothing incriminating on my person, I was released with a $250 fine, while my friends weren’t as fortunate. The evidence against them led to mandatory court appearances and significantly larger fines, while we were all banned from Kohl’s for the next few years.

We spent the next half an hour anxiously debating which of our parents would be the ones to come pick us up, as the store’s policy said that they would not release us without an adult present. Our minds raced through every conceivable plan, from calling our older friends disguised as our older brothers to inventing fictitious uncles or aunts for the rescue — none of which proved feasible. In the end, it was my mother again who had to come pick us up.

The moment she walked into the room and grasped the full gravity of the situation I watched the color drain from her face. After signing paperwork for our release, the ride home was filled with the heaviest silence, more profound and terrifying than any words she could say. I still remember wishing that she had yelled at us, for that would have been much easier to have internalized. After we had all returned home our families convened to discuss the ordeal. The illusion that we were children who would only tip-toe the line was shattered for them, causing them to lose their trust in all of us and our friendship.

In the weeks that followed, we found ourselves brooding over our decisions, trying to understand where we went wrong. Why was it that we were the only ones who were caught? We rarely met with each other, only leaving the house to study for the upcoming SATs. It’s unbelievably ironic now that in the backdrop of our thieving, were expensive SAT preparation courses, epitomizing the paradox of privilege seeking thrill in moral transgressions.

As the feelings of guilt and remorse gradually began to fade to the background, overshadowed by the monotony of our daily routine and the emptiness of studying for a nonsensical standardized test, the longing for that rush of freedom began to call to us again. We slowly began to feel ready to tempt fate once again, breaching the mundane with the promise of adrenaline-fueling defiance.

The Comeback

Reflecting back on those days now, I am always led back to the question of why we persisted in stealing even after the harsh experience of being caught. It’s evident now that the drive was never rooted in the clothing itself, as I already had more than enough clothes to present myself well at school. Therefore I am led to consider the visceral feelings themselves that we felt during the act.

It started with mastering the art of deception. Each theft was a practice of walking into a store and adopting the persona of a recent college graduate looking for clothes for a job interview, or an ordinary high schooler searching for the perfect outfit for a school dance with his high school crush. We spun intricate stories for the unsuspecting staff of those higher end stores that I had had trouble pronouncing. We became experts in the subtle dance of deceit, with every movement from the time we entered a store to the time we left calculated and executed to near perfection.

From here the heightened sense of awareness as we silently removed tags and our ears fine-tuned to every sound and movement around us made me feel as if I was playing a high-stakes game where every moment was the fourth quarter, with our every heartbeat amplified and every second stretched out. We were constantly learning and developing our techniques as we incorporated new technologies to remove more complex tags, a devised strategies to consistently evade detection.

Our communication methods evolved into a silent language of glances and gestures, maintaining the facade of being mere strangers to each other within the store’s confines, ensuring that our collaboration would remain unnoticed. We learned when to make nominal purchases, as a sleight of hand designed to blend the stolen behind the legitimate. The thrill would peak every time as we’d pass through the security scanners, heart pounding, with our breath held, asking whether this would be the time that we’d be caught again? Yet, time after time, we never were.

With each successful escape brought a rush of intoxicating euphoria, a profound sense of triumph over the system. This emotional rollercoaster, a dance with danger and deceit, had captured me, leaving me with a habit of shoplifting that was at its heights from 2014 to 2017. During this time my closet grew with designer clothes, sleek pointed shoes, patterned socks, and multifunctional watches — a superficial display of success and style.

Yet, beneath the illusion of abundance created by these thefts, the persistent emptiness lingered, a void that seemed untouched by any of these material gains. The initial exhilaration from of each acquisition dissipated quickly, leaving behind a space that demanded ever more to be satiated. The more I acquired, the larger the emptiness seemed to grow, driving me to seek out increasingly larger acts of defiance in a futile effort to mask my dissatisfaction.

At that point in time, I wasn’t aware of the true motive behind my stealing, busying myself with an ever more complex schedule. I thought that if I had constructed a life that was so frenetically paced, surrounded by materialistic wealth, beautiful women, and professional accolades, I could forever be distracted enough to ensure that there was never any space for any real reflection, which was the only time I would have to feel the depths of dissatisfaction I felt with my life.

Philosophies of Change: Mylon and Amma

When I reflect back to how I had rationalized my actions, I remember the mental gymnastics I would perform to justify myself while maintaining my self-image as an ethical agent. I convinced myself I was the modern-day suburban Robin Hood, an unmasked marauder who would steal from large organizations because they complied with unethical business practices. Unlike the tales of Robin Hood, who championed the poor however, my beneficiaries were solely me, the pseudo-disenfranchised middle class youth, who already had 10-fold the amount they needed materialistically.

As my justifications evolved, I adopted a utilitarian perspective, rationalizing my actions by convincing myself that the benefits I derived from the things I stole, significantly overshadowed any minor inconvenience or loss felt by the wealthy proprietors of these corporations. Guided by this logic, I made it a rule to never target small businesses or individuals, believing that my actions were somehow justified as long as they were directed at faceless, sizable entities. This selective morality allowed me to compartmentalize my behavior, maintaining a semblance of ethical standards while indulging in clearly unethical acts.

This faulty rationality aided my journey with theft until 2019, a pivotal year in my life when the wisdom imparted by two people close to me, my mother and Mylon, began to resonate deeply within me. This was around the time Mylon introduced me to meditation, the first tool ever presented to me that directly addressed the deep void I had been evading for so long. It was a practice that posited that the void I was experiencing can never be filled by anything external to myself. Teaching that it is only through persistent introspection that sheds light on this void that can prevent it from hiding innocuously in every act, tainting every intention. This practice compelled me to face the consequences of my actions head-on, acknowledging the impact on both my own mental psyche, and those around me.

Through this process of self-examination, I encountered a truth I did not want to address: that I could no longer look at myself with confidence or pride, as the life I was leading, justified by a convoluted moral logic, stood in stark contrast to the values I truly wished to embody. It became clear that true change was absolutely needed — not only did I need to rectify my past mistakes, but I also needed to reconstruct the moral foundation that guided my decisions. The journey towards making amends and striving for redemption became my new path, marked by a commitment to living a life that, one day, I could look back on with genuine pride.

Mylon and I Recording a Conversation About Death and Meaning (2019)

As I ventured further into my meditative practice, the teachings my mom had instilled in me since childhood began to resonate with a newfound clarity. Amma’s philosophy can be simplified into the following words: the essence of true joy and fulfillment does not reside in possessions or achievements, but in the integrity upon which one pursues their goals. She taught that when we reflect upon our methods of pursuit, and find that we were honest, intentional, and thoughtful about our decisions, is when we find the deepest satisfaction and pride. A life lived in avoidance of one’s methodologies is a life where one cannot stand confidently and face their essence. No matter how successful this life will always be one filled with shame. Amma has always championed honesty, integrity, and taking the righteous path as you best know it. These values have embodied themselves in her unyielding resolve and clarity in her decision-making, serving as a testament to their power.

As I began to incorporate the wisdoms from Mylon and my mom I realized that whatever stealing I was doing would make it nearly impossible to live my life with integrity, and truly face the emptiness I had always felt within. I began to understand that the path to self-respect and confronting my insecurities necessitated a departure from deceit. Embracing Mylon and my mom’s guidance I began to slowly and painfully return all the items I had stolen back to Goodwill, marking an important step towards reclaiming whatever integrity I had left, and initiating the process of self-reconciliation and healing.

Mommy and I (2019)

The Wallet

I never thought I'd share this story of stealing publicly, but I was called to it during a transformative period of my life while I was backpacking and teaching in the serene mountains of Western Tamil Nadu, India. There, during my work with the Adivasi (tribal) youth to develop technical literacy, I found rejuvenation through the practice of yoga every evening. I would practice every day outside the common hall, where we would gather for dinner, as this space was right in front of the most beautiful, lush mountains. Over time, my practice caught the interest of others who were eager to do something active and mindful after a long day of work. Before long, our meetings evolved into a communal ritual, with a group of five of us sharing in the practice together daily.

After our sessions, we would spend our time sharing our backgrounds and learning about each other. One of these days, I was taught the concept of Gurudakṣiṇā, a revered practice of offering gratitude or repayment to one's teacher upon the completion of their learning period. This gesture serves as an alternative to conventional forms of payment, such as annual, monthly, or per-session fees, which, in theory, allows the teaching process to be manifested from a non-transactional place. As my time in Gudalur drew to its close, a few of my friends threw a going-away party, at which one of the longstanding surgeons, Dr. Sarath, who had joined the yoga group, presented me with a gift from his hometown in Pondicherry, Tamil Nadu. The gesture was in the ethos of Gurudakṣiṇā, appreciating my efforts in teaching and cultivating the practice of yoga in Gudalur.

The gift was a leather wallet. To him, this may have seemed a modest token, but to me this gift carried with it hopes for a new future. This new wallet was to replace the last item in my possession that stood as a reminder to the person I once was. It was to replace a luxury wallet stolen nearly four years ago, now reaching the end of its physical and symbolic lifespan.

In accepting this gift, imbued with sincerity and generosity, I was closing a chapter of my life defined by recklessness, a lack of awareness, and an absence of purpose. Receiving this wallet from Dr. Sarath felt like a receiving a silent nod of encouragement towards my path of redemption, a sense of assurance that I was on the right path. It was as if, through this gesture, I was granted permission to shed the weight of past transgressions and stride forward into a future where my actions are guided by integrity and a deep-seated respect for the interconnectedness of all of our lives. Thank you Dr. Sarath.

The Wallet (2024)

Education

My experiences with theft offers me a distinct perspective into the complexities faced by those who are misaligned with the goals of the education system. For the motivations behind my stealing strongly mirrors the motivations driving many of the questionable behaviors among youth, from substance abuse to academic dishonesty.

In this next section I aim to cover the three principal contributors to these rebellious tendencies. I then explore potential pathways through which educators, parents, and society at large can engage constructively with these challenges. This discourse is not merely an exploration of these issues but a call to action for collective introspection and reform, aiming to foster environments that nurture understanding, guidance, and support for the youth navigating the complexities of their adolescent years.

I. Values

To unravel the motivations behind these deviant behavior, it’s imperative that we start by dissecting the underlying values that give rise to such actions. At the core of these values lies a pronounced emphasis on outcomes, overshadowing the journey towards achieving success. The common definition of this form of success itself is often purely external, ignoring the type of person one is as they achieve greatness. This overemphasis, and biased definition of success permeates various spheres of life — be it professional achievements, academic accolades, or interpersonal relationships.

Due to this value, there exists a pervasive temptation to shortcut through the principles of integrity in favor of expedited results. This overemphasis on the destination rather than the voyage not only diminishes the importance of ethical processes but also nurtures an environment where moral considerations are sidelined in the quest for immediate gratification. When the worth of an achievement is measured exclusively by its endpoint, without regard to the ethicality of the means, it cultivates a fertile ground for deviant behaviors to flourish and be accepted. In such a context, the integrity of one’s path to success is often compromised, suggesting that the overarching value system needs a fundamental shift towards celebrating the integrity and ethical commitment inherent in the pursuit of one’s goals.

Addressing the root of these issues demands a profound philosophical recalibration — specifically, a transition from a consequentialist ethical stance to one deeply rooted in deontological principles. Consequentialism evaluates the morality of actions based on their outcomes, whereas deontology assesses the actions themselves, irrespective of their results. Within the capitalist ethos, a significant obstacle emerges from the observation that individuals who are ethically minded, are no where near guaranteed to succeed materialistically more than those who engage in unethical behavior. This discrepancy can diminish the perceived value of moral behavior, reinforcing the notion that in a system where an individual’s worth is measured by their utility, ethical considerations become secondary when they impede efficiency.

The true value of integrity, however, lies not in external achievements but in the internal peace and fulfillment stemming from the assurance that one’s decisions align with their principles and their belief that their actions contribute positively to the world. Such intrinsic rewards are frequently overlooked in a capitalist model, which predominantly values tangible success and utility. For integrity to be fully appreciated and practiced, ethical conduct must be recognized not as a means to an end but as an end in itself. This paradigm shift is crucial; as long as morality is seen merely as a tool for achieving other goals, the systematic undermining of integrity will persist. By elevating ethical actions to the primary goal, we can begin to foster an environment where integrity is valued for its own sake, leading to a more just and fulfilling societal framework.

What this means for education is that the emphasis should not solely rest on celebrating a student’s academic achievements but rather on valuing the journey of personal development, the diligence invested in growth, and the collaborative spirit shown in assisting peers. Acknowledgement should be directed not at the mere attainment of correct answers as the methods of achievement are never properly addressed in this method. It’s crucial that commendation is reserved not for mere achievement in isolation but for recognizing the comprehensive path a student traverses towards academic and personal excellence.

Thus, for example, the accolade of valedictorian ought to be redefined: not as a tribute to the highest academic achiever but as an honor for the student who embodies resilience, effort, and commitment to both their studies and community. In essence, the ethos of what it means to be a good student, citizen, and community member. By shifting our metrics of success from performance-based accolades to those that celebrate earnest effort and ethical engagement, we cultivate an educational environment that values growth, empathy, and integrity above conventional achievements. In doing so, we champion a more inclusive and holistic approach to learning and success, where the criteria for recognition reflect a commitment to effort, community contribution, and moral development.

II. Freedom to Break Rules

Secondly, it’s essential for children to have safe avenues to experience the exhilaration associated with challenging norms, within a controlled and constructive setting. The quest for autonomy and self-exploration need not drive one towards illicit activities. Instead, this sense of liberation can be found in pursuits like surfing, experimenting with hair color, or other expressions of individuality that allow them to test boundaries without causing harm to others, whether individuals or corporations. Such experiences are crucial for personal development, as breaking rules is how people learn to navigate their environments, discerning right from wrong, and cultivate how one ought to conduct themselves.

However, a growing concern I have is that as families become more insular in response to stories of exploitation and danger plastered over all news channels, children face the consequences as they are often deprived of the chance to learn from their environment through trial and error. This overprotection, fueled by parental anxiety, leads to overly restrictive environments that not only stifle a child’s ability to experience life independently but can also mirror and perpetuate the restrictive and anxious mindset of the parents themselves. In countering this trend, it is vital to balance protection with the freedom to explore, ensuring that children grow up with the confidence to navigate the world, make mistakes, and learn from them in a context that safeguards their well-being and fosters resilience.

I have found that this pervasive shielding from genuine life experiences stands as one of the most corrosive aspects of middle-class suburban living. In environments where children are excessively insulated from reality, the natural impulse to challenge and question the world around them is often thwarted. This overprotection can lead to unconventional forms of rebellion, as young individuals seek outlets for their suppressed desires for autonomy and self-discovery. Conversely, those who find themselves without the means or space to express this rebellion may succumb to depression, becoming paralyzed by an internalization of the fears and limitations imposed upon them.

Such a dynamic underscores the profound impact of overzealous sheltering on mental health and personal growth. By denying young people the opportunity to confront life’s challenges, navigate risks, and learn from their encounters, we inadvertently foster an environment ripe for psychological distress and abnormal acts of rebellion. Addressing this imbalance requires a nuanced understanding of the fine line between safeguarding our youth and allowing them the freedom to explore.

In reevaluating the role of education, it becomes crucial to address the implications of nurturing a generation excessively fearful of deviating from the rules. Theodor Adorno’s poignant observation, “Art is an uncommitted crime,” serves as a cornerstone for this discussion, emphasizing that true innovation and creativity often arise from challenging existing norms. History’s most enduring works of art and groundbreaking innovations were born from the willingness to transgress conventional boundaries, setting them apart from countless other creations stifled by the creator’s reluctance to venture into the uncharted territory.

Reflecting on the icons of historical change — figures like Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela, among others — it’s clear that their legacies were forged through the courage to defy oppressive standards and expectations. These individuals exemplified the essence of the rebel: someone who identifies a cause so compelling that it justifies the breach of established norms. Their actions prompt us to question whether the acts of creation and rebellion that have profoundly shaped our world would have occurred under the model of conformity and obedience often prized within educational systems.

To foster a society capable of revolutionary innovation and ethical rebellion, education must encourage the development of discernment: the ability to decide when to uphold rules and when breaking them serves a higher moral or creative purpose. Without the freedom to challenge and question, individuals risk either overstepping boundaries without cause or, conversely, becoming so inhibited by rules that they lose the capacity for critical resistance. Cultivating this balance in young minds requires a paradigm shift in educational philosophy, one that prizes the courage to thoughtfully and conscientiously challenge the status quo where necessary.

III. Meaninglessness

Thirdly, it’s crucial to avoid imparting to children a definitive narrative on what holds value and what does not, especially when the adults themselves navigate these questions with deep uncertainty. For instance, asserting the importance of a subject like trigonometry or chemistry, while the parent or educator is disconnected from its application, plants profound seeds of skepticism in young minds. They may begin to question whether those entrusted to guide them truly understand the direction in which they’re leading. This phenomenon is particularly prevalent in education, where students are often told that each lesson will play a pivotal role in their future, a promise that, in reality, may not always hold true.

This growing skepticism naturally extends beyond the curriculum, casting doubt on the broader framework of rules and regulations enforced by educators and adults. When the foundational truths presented by those in authority begin to unravel, it challenges the legitimacy of the entire educational structure, prompting students to question not only the relevance of their lessons but the very principles upon which their learning environment is constructed.

To combat this growing skepticism, we must encouraging children to ask the difficult questions, as interrogating the world around them is essential for their intellectual and personal development. No inquiry should be dismissed as ‘unchildlike’; setting such limits only restricts a child’s natural curiosity and exploration of their environment. These arbitrary boundaries not only diminish the child’s experience but also create a disconnect between their genuine lived experience and the idealized world adults attempt to construct for them.

Rebellion is not always an outward action, but can also manifest through critical inquiry. For this dynamic to flourish, educators must be open to having the very foundations of their personal philosophy— their structures of meaning — scrutinized and, if necessary, deconstructed. An educator’s reluctance to entertain this possibility fosters a pedagogical rigidity, limiting discourse to topics deemed acceptable within their predefined boundaries. This restriction on intellectual rebellion inadvertently compels students to seek alternative avenues for challenging norms, pushing them beyond the educational setting, a space that should, ideally, nurture and embrace such questioning.

When the classroom becomes a place where intellectual curiosity is stifled rather than stimulated, it not only diminishes the potential for genuine learning but also signals to students that meaningful engagement with complex ideas is unwelcome. As a result, the educational environment, which ought to be a safe haven for critical thinking and exploration, risks becoming yet another domain where conformist values are reinforced at the expense of fostering a culture of inquiry and growth.

The issues highlighted converge to a critical juncture where students, faced with constraints on their intellectual and emotional freedom, may resort to forms of rebellion that pose risks to both their mental health and physical well-being. By addressing these foundational concerns within the educational system, I posit that we can significantly diminish the propensity for such hazardous forms of defiance. It is through a reformed approach to education — one that values the process over the outcome, encourages students to break some rules, and embraces the uncertainties of knowledge — that we can foster an environment where rebellion manifests as constructive dialogue and exploration, rather than as actions that endanger the student’s development and safety.

To Future Me

The prospect of sharing these essays publicly might very well signal the start of my professional demise, as the embrace of unwavering honesty often appears to be more dangerous than its recognition as a commendable virtue. Nonetheless, I find it critical to articulate our stories with unfiltered transparency, with hopes that it fosters a dialogue that might inspire different actions in those who come after us. Reflecting on this journey, I harbor no regrets. At the time, these acts served a pivotal role to me, guiding me towards some sense of poorly formed meaning and liberation, distanced from the monotonous routine and obedience otherwise demanded of me.

In hindsight, I wish I had chosen healthier channels through which I could have sought this autonomy, but at the same time I have come to recognize that my pursuit of self-determination is inseparable from my quest for a meaningful life. Any time I feel the lack of autonomy creeping up on me, I am pushed towards actions that are misaligned with my principles to exercise any amount of freedom I have. This introspection into my habits of stealing serves as one example of the many ways in which the lack of autonomy can manifest itself. As I move forward, I am committed to continuously striving to do better, not just as atonement, but to become a person I can respect and admire. I hope I can proceed gracefully.

Love, Goutham